Visitors!

We had summer visitors! Seems that some long lost cousin named Dee (we soon learned it should have been Dee Dee Dee) decided to send her daughter Polly Esther, stepdaughter Salli Cohn and stepson Louis Colon to visit us on a whim. Sure wish she had let us know she was doing this, but Tuesday we get a phone call that the kids are already on the way and and this morning, we go to pick them up at the airstrip.

Well, first off the bush pilot, Ol' Bill was mad. He said the damned plane just about couldn't get off the ground, and he wasn't sure if it was because of all the excess luggage, or all the silicone in the little tart's boobs. Don't look at me...that's straight from Ol' Bill's bearded lips to my ears! I wasn't sure which "little tart" he was referring to, so I tried to grin a bit but when the luggage came tumbling out of the plane, followed by what I thought would be three sweet teenage kids. My eyes about rolled back in my head. Bill was on target with the girls, and Louis looked like a gang banger who had just done a drive-by in Los Angeles. In fact, he proudly stated he had done several drive-by's, but none that he could remember the victims or the locations in any clarity, as the meth had clouded his memory. Oh gawd, what had we gotten into here!

I thanked Ol' Bill and we piled into the 4X4 for the short trip to the Saloon and Inn. Polly and Salli kept asking if they would have their own rooms and how many men were at the lodge. They seemed genuinely disappointed when I explained this was summer season, and we didn't get too many guests, and this gave us room to allow them to stay with us awhile. Louis wanted to know if we had guns so he could hunt...and I hurriedly said no, that we send all the guns in for repair over the summer, and they don't come back until winter. I just knew that little sh*t was itching to try drive-bys somehow. Ha, with nothing to shoot, he'll not be doing that here!

We made it to the lodge and Laura had a great dinner on the table, as always. The girls and Louis seemed tired and wanted to head to bed early so we showed them their rooms and said goodnight. In the morning, the three paying guests who were staying with us seemed overly cheerful, and asked if they could stay another night. Wow, that was good news for us, but we were running a bit short on supplies, so I told them we'd have to cut back a bit on fancy dinners if they were staying. One quipped that he didn't care about dinner if he could just stay. Hmm..and dinner was one of the great draws of the Saloon and Inn. We did have to say that the girls were helpful, changing the linens and towels as well as cleaning the guest rooms each day, thus alleviating some of the more cumbersome tasks at the inn. As for Louis, he did little, but at least he didn't assault anyone either.

The same three guests wanted to book a few extra nights again. Now this was getting suspicious. Nothing to really do but fish and swat mosquitoes. We couldn't arrange hunting trips or shooting contests, as all the guns were locked up to avoid Louis going on a rampage in any of the local villages. We were seeing cash coming in the form of credit card vouchers and cash advances for the guests, and we were running out of the green stuff to hand them in exchange. Then it hit me. Oh My God. Were the two cute "teenagers" puffed full of silicone prostitutes? Oh no...that couldn't be.

A knock on the door at 7 PM that evening brought two Alaska State Troopers to the door to discuss some strange goings on. Seems several men staying at the Saloon and Inn had been draining their company and personal bank accounts with electronic transfers, and their bosses, and in one case, the wife, wanted to know where the money was going, or if there was Internet fraud going on. The point where the Internet was being used was traced to the Saloon, so the Troopers decided to start here.

Upon questioning, it turned out that Louis wasn't really a cousin, far removed or otherwise, or even a relation of any type to the girls. He was their pimp and had threatened their mother if she told anyone about him. In turn, the girls turned tricks for him and thought coming to Alaska would get them out of LA, where the police were hot on their tails, so to speak, for various and sundry crimes! Our "happy paying guests" were staying over and paying the new found "maids" for extra services.

In short, we did not have to pay Ol' Bill to fly the trio back to LA. That was handled for free by the State of Alaska. We did have to sign affidavits that we knew nothing about what was happening, and were cleared of any wrongdoing. Following a trial in Alaska, the three ended back in LA to face charges, for which they pled guilty and were sentenced. They are serving their time in an Alaska prison and will then be returned to California to serve additional time on Federal fraud charges. Needless to say, they are forbidden to return north again.

I've heard the saying "by hook or by crook" which was supposed to be from Ireland but this was "By hooker and by crook " it seems. Only at the Wild Moose Saloon.