Penguins at The Saloon

I am truly disappointed. Here we are in the cold, frigid outreaches of Alaska, home of Sarah Palin and all that's right with America, and there are no penguins. That's right, no penguins! I just found out that regardless of how much I wanted penguins, there just won't be any of those wonderful creatures waddling around the Wild Moose this coming, or any other, winter!

Yes, I know penguins are not indigenous or native to Alaska, and only are found in the Antarctic and not the Arctic. But we wanted them HERE. So, we petitioned to have a few hundred transferred here to the Saloon and Inn this coming winter for everyone to enjoy their antics. But no, the Fish and Wildlife folks nixed the idea in a minute. Said it wasn't their natural habitat and wasn't safe to have them here. We countered that this isn't a natural habitat nor safe for humans, either, yet we're here. That argument fell on deaf ears. Or maybe just ears covered with earmuffs, which we did think was strange, since it's summer and 74 degrees today.

We decided to go higher up the food chain, and ask Juneau what they thought about this situation. Unfortunately, someone there told us we should be more reverent about the nuns at the Sisters of the Holy Mackerel Convent, and to quit being a pest. I don't think they had the gist of the conversation as those were not the penguins we were speaking of, not that the kind sisters don't dress in similar garb. So, we put a call in to the Governor for assistance. That too was a disaster.

Seems Governor Palin was busy preparing for her run at the White House in 2012 and penguins were just not all that important on the agenda. She left us a message telling us if we wanted to build some sort of bridge to Antarctica, she could meet with us, but didn't think we'd be able to transport the penguins to Alaska in any case. She also told us she offered to take President Obama and Vice President Biden hunting, as Dick Cheney and her were going on a hunting trip soon. We decided we'd just let the penguin issue drop for the time being and forget the conversation altogether. Best for everyone concerned.

So, if you decide to visit us, don't expect any penguins anytime soon. Even though we do have a room we call the penguin room, it's just a facade. Sorry, but some dreams just don't end up warm and fuzzy as planned.